


Envy Through A Microscope.

by DudeItsVonni



Category: Bandom, Panic At The Disco
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-11
Updated: 2011-03-11
Packaged: 2017-10-16 21:24:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/169505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DudeItsVonni/pseuds/DudeItsVonni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The jealousy is swimming though Brendon’s body. It’s constricting his intestines, turning them black and tying them up until he’s sure they’re about to sever and tear away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Envy Through A Microscope.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a couple years ago before the split. Could be seen as an AU or set before or after the split. Whatever you see it as.

Brendon stares out onto the floor, taking a drink of the warm poison which clouds his mind. He plans on getting as trashed as he possibly can tonight, like he does every night. He just wants to forget that Ryan is out there, doing whatever, with whoever will come near him, because he’s high and drunk and generally just doesn’t care. He doesn’t care what he’s doing to Brendon, because Brendon knows Ryan is doing it just to make him jealous. Just to piss him off. Just to prove something Brendon won’t admit aloud in this screwed up relationship they have.

And it’s working. The jealousy is swimming though Brendon’s body. It’s constricting his intestines, turning them black and tying them up until he’s sure they’re about to sever and tear away. It’s breaking his bones and tearing his skin to shreds, leaving him a bloody pile of the former man he used to be.

Brendon hates what Ryan does to him, but he knows he would never leave the older man. He can’t. It’s as if he’s a puppet and Ryan is the puppet master. Brendon tries to fight it but he ends up losing; he just doesn’t have the will power against Ryan. If he does, his strings will tangle and he’d be lifeless. He needs Ryan to keep him alive; to keep him breathing.

He loves Ryan, but he won’t admit it. He can’t, because then Ryan would know he has Brendon’s heart in the palm of his hands, and all it’ll take is a simple too-tight squeeze and Brendon would be left broken, with no heart. And Brendon just can’t let that happen. He can’t, he won’t.

And Ryan hates that Brendon can’t trust him with his heart. Ryan knows Brendon loves him, and while no verbal confirmation is okay for right now, he can’t let Brendon hide forever. It’ll end up being the end of them, and Ryan isn’t sure he can handle a world without Brendon by his side anymore. It’s been too long. And maybe making him jealous may be the wrong way to go, but he’s out of ideas. He’s at the end of the line.

Brendon can’t take it anymore. He needs to get out of the smoke filled building, and fast. He tells Spencer that he’s leaving so no one will worry, and quickly bolts out of the too loud dance club. He runs all the way back to the motel. His sides are splitting and his lungs feel like they’re collapsing, because, yeah, he smokes too many cigarettes and hasn’t run this much since high school and he’s out of shape. But he doesn’t stop. He needs to get into the room so he can finish what ever is left in the mini fridge and pass out before Ryan comes looking for him. He doesn’t want to see Ryan again tonight. He wants to hate him, if only for a few hours. Because God knows, he could never hate Ryan, no matter how hard he tries.

But Ryan had been watching him all night, watched him run out of the building and quickly followed him. Brendon wasn’t getting away that easily; no, not anymore. So Ryan runs after Brendon, runs the three blocks to the hotel, runs up the five flights of stairs, runs to room 608 and catches it before the heavy hotel room door closes.

Ryan finds Brendon standing in the middle of the room, staring at the wall; arms wound around his head like it’s going to fall off any moment; his breaths coming out in short, sharp pants. Ryan cautiously walks towards him, stopping just out of arms length. There’s a tense silence in the room. Both have so much to say, so many words of different calibers swimming through their too-stubborn minds. It only takes six words to break the silence. Six words to nearly tear Brendon’s heart in two.

“Why can’t you just say it?”

And Brendon makes a choking sound. He grips his hair and pulls. He wants to scream until his heart explodes; scream until his lungs give out and his voice shatters. But, most of all, he just wants to turn around and tell the elder how much he loves him. Oh, God, how he just wants to scream those three beautiful little words because he knows he loves Ryan. Any one can see that.

“Because,” Brendon starts, not turning around. “I-I’m afraid.”

“Afraid? What are you afraid of?” Ryan’s right behind him now, putting his hand on Brendon’s shoulder and turning the younger man around. “Brendon, please j-just tell me what I have to do to make you say it!” His voice is cracking, right on the edge of hysteria.

“I’m… I’m afraid that if I say it, you’ll realize that I’m not the one you want. You have all these people that are so much better then me hanging around you all the time. I ju-” It’s at that point where Ryan has to stop him before he can finish his thought.

“Shut up, Brendon,” And Brendon does. Ryan’s too long fingers grip Brendon’s shoulders tightly. “We’ve been hanging around the same damn people for years. Longer then we’ve been together. You think I’d be with you if I wanted someone else?” Ryan’s eyes are shining softly as he stares into the deep brown hues of the man standing in front of him.

“I… Maybe? I don’t know. The way you act around them is just…I don’t know,” Now Ryan’s smirking. He knows he’s almost at the finish line. He can see it. Taste it. _Touch_ it.

“So, what you’re trying to say is, you’re jealous?”

“I... Fuck it. Yes, Ryan, Yes; I’m jealous, okay? I’m jealous of how when you walk into a room all eyes are on you, and you just soak it all up. I love you, Ryan and that scares me because, at this point, I’m so far deep into this—into us that if you realize there are other people out there that want you, you’re going to see how easy it is to pull away from me. You’re not going to want me anymore,” And Brendon doesn’t realize he’s said it until he looks at Ryan. Sees the way his smile is taking up most of his face.

“You’re such an idiot, Brendon,” And yeah, that was probably the wrong thing for Ryan to say, because Brendon’s face falls and he starts to pull away. “I’m just as invested into this as you are. I could care less about everyone else. It’s me and you until the end, you got it?”

Brendon’s smile is there. It’s small, but Ryan sees it, and it’s all he can ask for now, because Brendon’s finally admitted it.

“I love you too.”


End file.
